Alive With the Glory of Love

And the semester draws to a close.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 04:37:40 GMT

It's one more week of classes and then exams.
Things are going relatively well.

Physics is killing me a little bit right now, just because I think I haven't buckled down and read the sections, so when I get to class it's a little iffy. We have a quiz tomorrow ... yeah we'll see how that goes. I'm confident I can get a B in this class.

Not seriously worried about any other classes; it's looking like a 3.4 for the semester, which is disappointing for me, but good overall. I set ridiculously high standards.

This week is full of Kappa Kappa Psi. Gamma class is soon to be with us and I couldn't be more excited. It was fun being the youngest class in the chapter for a while, but I like the idea of moving on and bringing in new people and seeing how they fit with us. It'll be great.

For the longest time I was looking, like most of us are, for somewhere to belong, and I believe that I found it in KKPsi. It sounds super cheesy and I always made fun of people whose friends were only in frats/sororities, but I think those were mostly social. Service based makes all the difference, I believe.

I've not abandoned my friends outside of Psi by any means, and I think that means that I'm striking a good balance. I have extremely close friends both within and without.

I can't wait to be out of school, but at the same time I don't really want to be home. This is the time of year I wish I had an apartment and a job, so I could just stick around here, go home for Christmas, then come back. But I might have a temporary job at home, fingers crossed. So that wouldn't be so bad.

It'll be good to see some people from home though. Real good.

The sound of music.

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:55:02 GMT

Today was the last day of marching season, and unlike last year, we are not going to a Bowl Game. There will be no plane trip, no hotel, and no different states.
But just like last year, the end of the season is, as Monty puts it, bittersweet.

I love the people I have found through music.

We share something that is not quite explainable to those not involved in music at one point or another. Even the camaraderie developed through our program is difficult to capture in words, simply because there's a way things are done, and I love that. I love our traditions, our attitudes, our silliness, our seriousness, our everything.

Things are different in music. And maybe this is true of every group, be it a sports team or a religious organization or a band. Maybe it's true that there's something intrinsically unexplainable, because it's just a feeling. And feelings are intrinsically unexplainable. How do you explain your gut? It's not possible.

I appreciate the unknown, instead of searching for an answer to everything. I think it's arrogant to assume we will eventually understand everything in the universe. I think it's realistic to assume that there are things that don't follow any rules we can cook up. The universe is a vast and ridiculous place, and part of that is feelings that don't make sense, feelings that don't follow any of our rules or guidelines or social mores.

I love that.

I wrote this for you.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 05:38:33 GMT

And if you look a little closer, you'll see that if a person believes that life is terrible, they’ll constantly look for proof of this, to confirm their view of the world. They’ll find quotes and situations and events in their life and magnify them a hundred times.

If a person believes that life is wonderful, they’ll look for the corresponding signage and behave in a similar manner to the previous person with their view of the world.

Often, this is the same person on different days of the week.

- "I Wrote This For You", The Falling or Rising, April 26 2009, http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/2009/04/falling-or-rising.html

I like to believe that between one and a half and two days out of the week, I am the first type, and the rest of the week the second.
But I'm pretty sure there are some days when I'm neither.
There are some days where I'm apathetic or lackadaisical, or just lonely. But neither lonely or optimistic.

Don't you dare close your eyes.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 01:26:19 GMT

Most likely going to be channeling Chris Gutierrez but it doesn't bother me.

Time and time again, I see my friends getting into relationships that only end up in pain and misunderstanding.
Some of these legitimately seem, at the beginning, as though they will work out. I don't begrudge my friends for beginning the relationships. But when it becomes a long-term thing and it's obvious something isn't quite right, they make no effort to fix it.
Some of these, at the beginning, just appear flat out wrong, and with some exceptions for opposites attract, they are.
This is not really directed at anyone in particular, though if you asked me I'm sure I could come up with some examples.

I suppose I'm just trying to understand why they would rather stay in a relationship that is bringing them down than be single and happy. Some people seem as though they need to be attached to survive. I understand loneliness. Everyone who is a part of the human race understands loneliness. But I think being in a relationship with someone just to be in a relationship is wrong.

And so what if it really is just a character flaw in them? They have to be, not only in relationships, but in bad relationships? How do you approach that conversation?
"Hey, got any deep seated problems relating to commitment issues, crazy people, or loneliness?"
This is where I feel guilty, I feel as if I knew my friends better I would know why they act the way they act, and would help them with situations like this.

Most friendships are either parasitic or both people ultimately trying to understand the other one.

I could love you much better, if you can't see that you're blind.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 03:11:31 GMT

Lately I have been getting so restless about the state of what I'm tentatively going to refer to as "pop culture." The ideas, mantras, and propaganda of America's version of capitalism seem more and more empty as the days go on, like I've been taught all my life to strive for the wrong things. But now I'm in the middle of the cycle, and it's dangerous to jump off the Ferris wheel mid-ride.

Example #1: You need a big, cool, loud car to tote all your friends around in.

Uhm ... what? First of all the economy is in the shitter, second of all no one has jobs to pay for the car/gas, third of all for the health of the country please take a walk/bike ride once in a while.

Example #2: Don't show any signs of aging on your face whatsoever. Protect it from sun and fill in all lines.

I appreciate laugh lines. I think people who take care of themselves age well without ridiculously expensive surgeries or creams or facial exercises.

Example #3: Eat fast food.

Don't even know what to say to this. There's not a chance if there's any remote possibility I can eat something else? I don't count subs in this but depending what's on them they can be just as bad.

I don't watch television that much anymore, but when I catch glimpses, it all seems so meaningless. All I can think is that "I'm better than this. I can be alone sometimes and that's alright. I can drive a crappy car and that's alright. I can eat healthy and that's more than alright."

We are better than this.

Fear.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:20:27 GMT

Every time I read something about living for the day and telling people what I really think I tell myself I'll start implementing it the next day. But it never happens. And I know exactly why.
I am so scared. Scared in an uppity way, in that I don't know if people appreciate the time and courage it takes to tell the truth, to let nothing get in the way of letting people know how you feel.
Scared in a consequences way, in that I have no idea how they'll react, or how they will treat me from then on, or how much it will change the relationship we have.
Scared I'll say it wrong, and they'll get the wrong impression and open up a new can of worms.

And then I think and think and realize everyone else fears the same things.
So why haven't I started yet?
I'm scared.

Love is a scary word, not just in relationships, but friendships too. For some reason it's taboo to say you love your friends, to your friends? Not as in "I love you guys" but as in "I love you, insertnamehere." without it being taken as "in love with you." What is going on there?

I hate telling people that I miss them, because I fear that makes me sound pathetic and like my life here is not enough, but that's not it at all. I remember all the times I had with them and how good it made me feel, and I want them to know that. But I hate saying it, because of how it makes me look. Ridiculous. I shouldn't care about these things.

So much fear.

Birthday!

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:56:44 GMT

It's my birthday! Trying to get it in before it hits midnight and people don't think I'm special anymore ... haha.

Band! Marching! Awesome-ness!

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 01:54:48 GMT

Well!
So this past week.

Band camp felt like it was fast forward, but so excellent. I could tell that the energy in the band was heightened, and we got through so much. It was cool to be a staff member; it had a different feel to it, and sometimes I just fall into leadership positions, (see: section leader in high school) but this one I interviewed for and tried hard for. Being a drill instructor has some weight to it in college band; if people are out of form, it’s on your head. We had fewer charts than last year, but that’s understandable, since we had about four days to put together a show. Crazyness.

Marching at U-M was great. The team didn't do so well, but both bands had great pregame and halftime performances. It was great to see U-M pregame from the field. Super intense high step. The student section probably had like 20 000 people in it. Just a mass of yellow, sorry, maize. We had a reception afterwards and I saw A.Jay and Kristen! Fun times.

Saw Nu and sang with them; woohoo! KKPsi love!

Overall it was an excellent day.
Go Bronco Band!

Band camp!

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:08:36 GMT

So I moved into my dorm room yesterday, and I'm really happy with it. There's a room for studying and a room for sleeping which I think will work well. It's twice as big as the room I was in last year. My friends are right across the hall and one of them is across the lobby and down the hall, so I know people here.
It's closer to the music building and the library and the rec center and ... you get the picture. Last year I felt like I was separated from everyone else.

I was a late add to the band camp staff as a drill instructor, which is someone who checks on marching style and drill charts and how the section looks as a form.
I'm so happy that I was added to staff. I was a bit disappointed when I found out last year I didn't make it because I had actually worked up the courage to face an interview that was intimidating for me. Then I got a call/email over the summer asking me to take the position because someone dropped and I jumped at the opportunity!
I've heard that if you want to be a leader, you shouldn't be, but I don't necessarily think that's true all the time. I've had a few leadership positions, and I think some part of you has to want it, otherwise, why go to the trouble?
Maybe that saying means "If you think you are better than everyone else" or "If you think only you can do this" you shouldn't be a leader; that makes more sense.

But I appreciate the caliber of people that I'm surrounded with on staff. I have a love/hate relationship being in a group with those I consider my betters. On one hand I'm happy; surrounding myself with those I strive to be like will make me a better person. On the other hand, I feel as though I can never catch up to them and will continuously be comparing my abilities and actions to theirs. However, I'm confident this week will have positives that outweigh the negatives. No one is perfect.
And we play the friggin Big House on Saturday! SO EXCITING.

Anyhoo.
Eating dinner sometime in the next hour.
Organizing the room some more.
Then sleep! Woohoo!

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:23:19 GMT

Sometimes I feel no one wants to sit and watch and listen. Something outside of regular life and society and rhythm, something outside of people-watching at the mall or cruising around in a car, something slightly uncomfortable but something that hits your soul on a deeper level. Watching a sunset or listening to the wind as it moves the leaves on the trees. Watching something that you don't control or worry about or pay for.
Something no one can take away from you.
Who wants to sit about and watch and listen with me?

Genuine.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 04:39:45 GMT

Man did I have a kickass time this weekend.
Had a mini-vacation.
Saw the stars without light pollution.
Smiled a hell of a lot.
Figured some shit out.

Suffice it to say I read a lot of Chris Gutierrez the past couple of days. It did exactly what it was supposed to do. Made me realize that sitting on my ass isn't going to change anything, and being genuine makes your life better than money, sex, or power ever will.

When was the last time you looked around and said to yourself, "Man I have a lot of great shit in my life and I shouldn't be so goddamn mopey?" Probably a long time ago because we're trained to try and fix things that go wrong rather than appreciate what's right while trying to fix stuff that's going wrong.

I am having a wonderful time of life right now. I say this knowing that in the next month there will be an emo-woe-is-me-I-am-fat-and-ugly post. I say this knowing that this school year will not be easy or cheap. I say this hoping that I will remember to look back on this post and realize hey, shit is not that bad.

Things are good.
I am genuine.

Worry.

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 02:29:47 GMT

So, I'm back at school in two weeks.
It's a bit unnerving, not only the fact that suddenly my hometown friends are disappearing because they're moving into apartments, but the fact it now feels like it's coming up fast. I had this whole summer to accomplish a bunch of stuff, but I feel like I fell flat.
I had a long conversation with a friend recently about things going your way and optimism and pessimism and such. It was interesting because I found myself saying things I didn't realize that I believed, such as:
I worry about things going wrong all the time. There's always a part of my brain doing worrying and I can almost never just let go. This comes from my dad who also worries all the time about everything. I worry about things far in the future that I have no control over or I have a little bit of control but not enough that worrying will do anything.

I believe that saying "Things will work out" is just a cop out to not thing about the things that went wrong. Curiously, I am a fan of the "Always look on the bright side" mentality, but to me when you say "Things will work out" it sounds like you're not just looking on the bright side, you're ignoring the dark side. And how can things be bright if you have nothing to compare them to?

It's extremely hard for me to let go of things that have gone wrong and just focus on things that have gone right. I set very high standards for myself, and so when I accomplish something, I'm happy, but I always think I'd be happier if I had done that errand one day earlier, or if I had written just a little bit more, or ran for ten more minutes, or etc. I guess I'm a grass is greener kind of gal?

I know that I need to appreciate what I have because I do have a pretty bitchin' life. The problem is that I always think there needs to be something more, something more I have to have that will make people like me just a little more, or make me seem funner, or more fashionable, or like a better person. I hate that I think this way, and I am changing it.

Sometimes my train of thought will be something like "This sucks, I hate people, today is terrible, I can't get through this textbook, etc.", so then I will notice it and change to "I can do this, I can get through this, I have great friends, things may be a little crazy now but you have x things to look forward to later, lots of people are naturally good and nice, etc."
At first it felt a little cheesy but then I realized it was making me feel better.

Who knew retraining your internal monologue could be so helpful?

So that's what I'm working through.

Lazy Sunday.

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 03:21:56 GMT

I guess I'm updating on Sundays now? Whatevs.
Ordered my textbooks a couple of days ago. Planning to read over them before classes start because I won't be doing any of that at band camp, haha. I saved about $120 buying them online which is sweet.
My financial aid is a week away from being finished. Last loan is being finalized, just have to send in paperwork and what not. I'm ecstatic with my aid package this year as compared to last year. I've got more loans, but two of them are federal so they have lower interest rates, plus I got a bunch of grants which I view as free money. Excellent.

I leave in three weeks. I'm happy about it.

Going thrifting some time in the next couple of weeks because man do I hate spending money. I need a lot more regular tops because I just have a bunch of t-shirts and I want to change that. Plus I probably haven't been thrifting since last year and it'll give me a chance to hang out with people I haven't seen in a while. It'll be nice to step away from the mall.
I've gone to the mall wayyy too much this summer and it makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel guilty and shallow and uncaring. It got to the point a couple of times where I would be at the mall like 2-3 times a week and after a while I just stepped back and went "Ugh."

I love thrifting a bunch because you find great stuff after sifting through some really weird stuff. You find cheap things and it's a breath of fresh air after $30 shirts and $50 jeans that I would never buy. It's kind of invigorating to imagine who wore the clothes before you, and who was this person, and did this article of clothing mean something to them, and how are they doing now? It's like physical history and I need to do it more often.

Watched Annie Hall the other day and loved it. Now I want to watch a bunch of other Woody Allen movies. Super great. Kind of want to be Annie Hall for Halloween. No one will get it but do I care? Not in the least.

WTF August?

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 01:44:05 GMT

So.
It's August.
Well.
Balls.

As far as my goals went, I once again only really half-heartedly attempted them. It always seems in the first couple of weeks of the month I am motivated. But as soon as the third week hits or a minor setback happens, I give up.
So I begin to the think the problem is not that I don't know what I need to do, but keeping the motivation to do it.
I did play my clarinet a lot more in July than June, but I'm still not completely comfortable with pre-game, and I need to be confident on that before camp.
As far as losing weight/getting healthy goes, I had begun an exercise regime that looked something like this daily:
100-200 jumping jacks
10-20 pushups
30 situps
Some other form of cardio (running, biking, and/or Frisbee)

I am very happy to say that for the most part I've eliminated pop from my diet. The only time I drink it now is at parties, and usually that's less than a can, a couple times a month. Just water! Woohoo!

But what ended up happening exercise-wise was that I tried to do too much too fast, and to make a long story short, hurt myself a little bit and learned that too much eagerness is as bad as too little.
I've hardly had any jobs in the past couple weeks, so even though my father gave me some money for school, I feel guilty spending any money at all because I need to save. Ugh.

I've spent some time solely on myself, which has been severely lacking this summer. I think I felt I needed to fill up my time so much catching up with everyone here that I forgot about my growth this summer. My maturing and my realizations. My epiphanies.

This month will mostly be a month of goodbyes as a lot of my home friends go back to school before me and I say goodbye to my hometown, probably for good. I'm definitely planning to apartment it next summer and just come back occasionally. It'll be scary, and I'm probably not ready, but no one ever is. It's time for me to leave.

Big thoughts.

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 04:53:46 GMT

A lot of times I think about the eternal, and what happens after we die, and all these big questions that have different answers for everyone. But also a lot of times I feel like people don't want to talk about it, either because they haven't though about it themselves, someone in their life just passed and it hurts too much, or they don't think it's that important.
Sometimes I just want to sit with someone and talk, but how do you ask that question?
How do you say something like, "Okay I'm done with small talk right now; what do you think happens after we die?"

I'm not much of a phone person anymore. I was back in high school, but long phone conversations and the memories that come with them are tied to certain people that don't seem the same to me anymore. So I try not to invoke the inevitable pain that comes with remembering those conversations, meaning I'll never get those people back.

Sometimes snippets of these conversations will happen online, and that's alright I suppose.
But there's nothing like walking with someone, or sitting with someone, staring off into the sky, musing about life and death and happiness and love and hate and knowledge. Or even sitting with someone and experiencing the world, listening to the sound the wind makes when it goes through the trees, or the rain as it fades from a torrential downpour to a shower.

I feel like I should know my friends better, in this way, in the way that I know what their deepest beliefs are, and then I realize that people guard their deepest beliefs for the same reasons I do: they're afraid of being shot down, afraid of being challenged, afraid of being forced to confront something they've shoved deep in their psyche.

But it's not even that I want to argue with someone. I just want to try and understand someone on a deeper level.

Is that so wrong?

Some nights.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 04:15:44 GMT

Some nights I wish it'd rain forever
And others not so much.
Some nights I don't see anyone
And others imagine your touch.
But most nights I sit
and think
and wait,
most nights I think too long.
For too much remembrance helps the mind
to think of things long gone.

Some nights I laugh with lots of friends
And others don't speak at all.
Some nights I take a risk and dial
And others I hang up the call.
But most nights I sit
and look
and frown,
most nights I look too long.
For late night browsing hurts the heart
when people are long gone.

Good news.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:41:27 GMT

Goodness.
Well.

In vague terms, because I don't feel like going into detail: There was something on my mind that I could not stop thinking about for a couple of days. I told myself it was alright and that it was natural and I probably wouldn't stop thinking about it. It's better now, and while I do think about it from time to time, I'm glad about how I handled it. I think it shows that I'm growing up.

Now on to everything else.

More jobs! Exciting! Earlier today went out to look at a job for a repeat client who works with my mother. I'm doing some more weeding and spreading mulch for her on Wednesday.
A man we know from church is going on vacation for a couple weeks, so tomorrow I'm going over there to talk about mowing the lawn while he and his wife are gone.
I'm going to call another woman (another repeat client, I made around $60 from her last week!) and see if I can get some work in on Thursday.
Friday morning I'm heading down to my aunt's to do some weeding and spread mulch.
Four jobs! Oh man!
Good times. Good times indeed.

Got a new planner today! I splurged a little but I think I'll actually use it more now that it's a nice one. Last year I got a crappy one with spiral binding on the outside that just got all banged up when I threw it in my bag. :/ But this one has a faux leather cover and a snap, pockets and lots of room for notes inside. Woo!

Also got some hair product today. I never knew shopping could be so frustrating. I spent like an hour looking for stuff, which is weird because I haven't bought really anything besides shampoo for my hair in 4 years. Crazy sauce! Hopefully I'll like this stuff because it's like $4. Yay for cheap hair care!

Uhm, one of my best friends just got dreads on Saturday. Haha, we joked that someone in our friend group always has to have dreads. We wanted to get them done on the same day so it'd be funnier, but whatever. I'm looking forward to hers growing and such and maturing (yes that is a term we use in the dreadlock world). They look great now but I know they will look even better in the future!

Uhm that's about it. Mostly good news in my life!

P.S. June ends tomorrow, so expect a July 1st post on how my goals went this month, and continued/new ones for the month of July.

I met you before the fall of Rome.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 04:29:00 GMT

Sooooooo ...
I cut my hair!

Before:

And after!

Expect way more pictures in the week to come. I'm probably going to mess around with it a lot.

Facemelting!

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 02:56:57 GMT

Mmmmmmmmm Harrison Ford.

People walk around pushing back their debts, wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets.

Thu, 14 May 2009 05:13:13 GMT

Tonight was completely excellent.
Got some Beaners, saw Star Trek, had a shake and fries, putzed around Meijer.

On the subject of Star Trek:
YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

I'll give you a little taste of how I felt after this movie. Usually I am a bit pissy about going to see lots of movies in the summer because they are 7.50. A little ridiculous for 2.5 hours but mostly it's the distribution houses that jack up the prices.
I felt this movie was worth 7.50.
For sure.
No doubt.
The score was awesome, and the characters were great, a great rapport with each other. As far as capturing the idea of size and comparisons, they were spot on. Good Lord.
Such a good movie.

Going to bed soon.
Calling Tim Horton's tomorrow.

Night folks!

MVM #7 - The Wombats

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 04:42:07 GMT

Wow this week was super hectic. I'm just gonna come right out and say it was not a very good week. Started out good. Monday, pathetically, was the best part, even though Mondays usually suck. But everything just kind of went downhill from there.
Today was good though.

This week's song: Lost in the Post by The Wombats

I should have known you didn't have the time my dear
To let this twenty-something bring you down with his list of fears
I'd like to think we had some fun times though
It's just my inability to think outside the box I know

She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa go
(We write to Santa Go!)

I could see your interest wane my dear
She wanted ‘Mary Poppins’ and I took her to ‘King Lear’
Yeah we've had some spills shall I say
And I thought you were going to leave, but not that you'd evaporate

She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa go
(We write to Santa Go!)

Please go to Santa, go to Santa, go go go....... (repeat)

She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa go
(Go to Santa Go!)

So. One of the main reasons I listened to this song is that it's extremely upbeat and helped (kind of) wake me up in the mornings. This week was one where it was really hard to just get going and be motivated to do things. I don't know what came over me, or really if it's just one of those hard weeks in school, I just had a rough time of it.
I will admit that I'm not exactly sure what this song is about. I like to think that he liked a girl more than she liked him, and eventually when she wouldn't see him he started sending her love letters through snail mail. But maybe she just never responded. Or there was a terrible coincidence in making sure they never got to her. Either way, he loved the idea of tangible communication in the era of electronic correspondence. But she didn't appreciate that kind of commitment.
So his love was lost in the mail, both metaphorically and literally.
Maybe I like this idea that someone would be so committed to me that they would keep sending letters, even if I didn't respond. They would keep trying to contact me no matter what until I gave them a concrete answer.

MVM #6.

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 20:04:28 GMT

Week five can be found here.

This week's song is
Pinch Me by The Barenaked Ladies.

Pinch Me

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess.
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk, but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on.
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Pinch Me
Pinch Me
Cos I'm still asleep.
Please God
Tell Me
That I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this (yo)
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I pack the car and leave this town
who'll notice that I'm not around?
I could hide out under there
I just made you say 'underwear'
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Try to figure out what all this is for.

First off, this song reminds me of growing up. It's in that group of songs that I find hard to classify as any specific genre, more songs that remind me of coming of age, of the 90's, of music that everyone likes. It calms me down, I can sing most of the lyrics save the part where he goes a million miles a minute which I never got down.

I think I listened to this song a lot this week for comfort reasons. This week was really rough in terms of academics and health issues, and this song talks a lot about thinking about life. Thinking about something bigger than ourselves. And also just some of the basic comforts of life: running through a sprinkler, driving instead of walking, forgetting about your worries for a second and just going with the flow, if you will.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

Part of this seems about the lethargy of my generation, being forced to yawn at world events and world suffering because it's just a generational attitude, that is, 'why should I care?' And also about remembering when you were young, or remembering why you started on your specific life journey in the first place, but like a dream that slips through your fingers you can't quite figure out how you got to your specific place in life.

I'm starting to ooze philosophical mumbo-jumbo so I'm going to cap it.
Basically I love this song, and I hope you have heard it.

MVM #5.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 03:33:42 GMT

Hey El-Jay.

Firstly, sorry I missed my MVM for Friday. I made a commitment but I might have to change the day that commitment happens because I don't know if Friday is going to work after all. :/ But here we go anyway.

Week four can be found here.

So, I listened a lot to 'Stronger Than Jesus' this week. If you would like to see my analysis of that song, I point you to the link above, as it was my most listened to song last week, too. I think I'll just go down my list of most listened to tracks on last.fm until I find another one to talk about.

So this week's will be, with 9 plays, for an average of 1.3 plays per day, is:
First Love by Emmy the Great

I remember how we met
but your name I forget
like the door that I have kept unopened

I remember it was wet
and the swelter and the sweat
and the shelter of the bed we were cloaked in

You were stroking me like a pet
but you didn't own me yet
and the tape in the cassette deck was choking
Spat out a broken hallelujah

But I've seen the way the earth
throws its aces with a curve
You were waiting for the words
to come to yer.

Just to say that you prefer to be lonely
to be cursed
and to do the very worst you can do.

Yeah I remember you like a verse
that I didn't want to learn
I just looked into your eyes
and I knew yer.

Now the thought of you is burnt
on my body from the first time you did rewind that line from Hallelujah.
The original Leonard Cohen version.

Well I wish I never met you that day
You said I have a room and music to play
I have a room let me show you the way
I wish that I'd never come

But now that I have, I would do it again
I would forget like I'd piss on a grave

I would forget like I'd piss on a grave
that the words as they came to my tongue were hallelujah. Hallelujah!
And the sky was so much bluer
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
And the world was so much newer.

You said I have a room
at the top of the stairs
I have a room with a view
I know we all have a cross that we bear
and I'd like to show it to you.

And you left me in the light
and you met me in the light
and we only had a night between the two.

You were waiting for the worst
You were listening for a curse
but the only thing I heard was hallelujah.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
And the sky was so much bluer
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
And the world was so much newer.

you said I have a room
at the top of the stairs.
I have a room with a view.
I know we all have a cross that we bear
and I'd like to give it to you.

And I won't forget how the sky was set
I said I have a place to go back to.
La La La I will have you yet
I will carry you there if I have to.

No I won't forget no I won't.
No I won't forget no I won't
No I won't forget no I won't
No I won't forget no.

Woah. Woah. Woah. W-o-o-o-ah.
First love.

Regret. Obviously. Regret, hope, lust, and any other words you can think of to describe the first time you fell in love. The first time you really opened yourself up to someone, because you thought something might come of it. I will honestly say I can pinpoint first love, and it was the most vulnerable I had felt in my entire life. Yet, like the singer of this song, I would go back in a heartbeat, and maybe try to do it over. Maybe try to prolong that feeling even more, because I know at the end of first love, I got my heart broken. I grew up a little bit, became a little bit less of a child.
So I think I listened to this song a lot in the last week because, of course, I'm still thinking lots about relationships. I've tried to tell myself in the past that thinking about them won't help any, but of course I still do. I remember all my failed attempts and experiences of watching people succeed and fail in their own relationship efforts, some flaunting how easy it is for them and others falling into it by chance, some fucking it up gloriously and some managing to hold on for dear life and somehow make it through the storm that is making up with someone.
Truth be told, I don't know what I would do with a significant other if I had one. I have never had a specific experience like the singer of this song but I know the feeling of wanting to go back to something because it's the best you've had so far. Through all of the relationships I have had and currently had, it's very hard to compare to that first feeling I got of true love. That feeling that you will sacrifice things for someone just so they can be happier, even if it means not being happier with you.

MVM #4

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 01:07:44 GMT

Week three can be found here.

So there is an interesting turn of events this week.
My most listened to track is an instrumental track with no lyrics! This is most likely because I have taken to listening to instrumental music rather than music with lyrics while I'm studying. If you are wondering, the track is El Zopilote Mojado, by DevotchKa. If you would like to to hear (and I would recommend you do), drop me your email address and I'll send it.
My second most listened to track, with 19 plays for an average of 2.7 plays per day, is

Stronger Than Jesus - A Camp

Who told you love is the Alfa and Omega?
And that your heart will lead you to the only one?
It’s a curse, it’s the hammer that will break you,
It’s a poison hidden in a bon bon

Don’t you know love is stronger than Jesus?
Don’t you know love can kill anyone?
Bring it on; wars and diseases
You know that love can do you like a shotgun

Can’t resist them, the sailors and the soldiers
Taking aim, a rabbit on a rifle range
Pay no mind to what your mama told you
You’re the fool who’s chasing down the candy cane

it’s a riddle how lovers can stay alive
but we bloom and breathe and multiply

Don’t you know love is stronger than Jesus?
Don’t you know love can kill anyone?
So bring it on; wars and diseases
You know that love can do you like a shotgun

o, oh no
o, oh no

See the people heading for disaster
standing in line just looking for a little fun
love is a fire, a hot hot blaster
with a vengeance burning in the Kongo sun

We’ll believe there’s trust in strangers
any monkey looking like a saviour
It’s a riddle how
we’re still living now
Oh, how little we know, oh

Don’t you know love is stronger than Jesus?
Don’t you know love can kill anyone?
so bring it on; wars and diseases
You know that love can do you like a shotgun

So the first time I heard this song, it really grabbed me. First of all, the phrase "stronger than Jesus" is a real mind-blower, even if you're not Christian, because Christ is built up to be this all-powerful super being, so anything stronger than that is crazy. Though I think this is more in reference to the fact that the feeling of love is stronger than the idea of Christianity, or morals even. Love is probably one of the strongest, basest, most primal things that human beings can feel.

The entire song is basically telling you that while love is a wonderful thing, love kills. People do kill for love (Shakespeare), people die for love (Shakespeare, old couples), people will do anything in the name of love. This song especially makes me think of unrequited love, in that if you love someone and they don't love you back, what do you do? Sometimes that feeling is almost like you're going to die, even though, logically, you know you can get up and keep going, even though it doesn't feel like it.

I would say ... that I listened to this song a lot this week especially because I'm thinking about a certain someone a lot. Since this is one of my public entries, I won't elaborate on the extreme off chance he could be reading. If you want to see more analysis on that front, you'll have to add me as your friend!

This also makes me think of all the times I've been rejected, as sad as that sounds. Love is an extremely hard thing to get right.

MVM #3

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:38:46 GMT

Week 2 can be found here.

So this week! The song has been, with 17 plays for an average of 2.4 plays per day is:

Little Miss Pipedream by The Wombats

I think the postman intercepts everything I try and send to you
Cos he’s infatuated and he’s the fulcrum between us two
And I can’t say I blame him ‘cos I’d cheat a priest just to get to you

She works in a dental practice 9 till 5 how does she manage?
Considering her nights don’t pass out till 3
So I guess that flossing is the last thing in her health routine

And I don’t mind that she gets hammered and goes home with other guys
There’s no jealousy
‘Cos she’s Little Miss Pipedream fantasy

I saw her slam back tequilas like Oliver Reed on an Irish stag do
And I’ll wait if you stay ‘cos foggy London town’s not built for me or you
Don’t leave Miss Pipedream ‘cos I love you

And I don’t mind that she gets hammered and goes home with other guys
There’s no jealousy that she’ll grind it out with friends but not with me
She’s my Little Pipedream fantasy

I suppose I just love the idea of loyalty. Some will be cynics and pessimists and call a guy like this dumb. He keeps protecting her and keeps going out with her and keeps pining for her even though she doesn't pay him any mind. She has her own life and makes her own mistakes, but he keeps tagging after her.
The word doormat comes to mind, but I like to think that's not what this is. I like to believe that though he thinks he's in love with her, he's just in love with the idea of her, the idea of a girl who can stay out all night and go to work in the morning and still be a sane, brilliant, wonderful person.
I think he will eventually find someone who makes him happy, but he will never stop looking out for Little Miss Pipedream, because he's hoping deep down that this is only a stage for her. He has idealized her so much that he has to keep believing in her, and he believes she will eventually find what she's looking for after all those crazy nights.