And if you look a little closer, you'll see that if a person believes that life is terrible, they’ll constantly look for proof of this, to confirm their view of the world. They’ll find quotes and situations and events in their life and magnify them a hundred times.

If a person believes that life is wonderful, they’ll look for the corresponding signage and behave in a similar manner to the previous person with their view of the world.

Often, this is the same person on different days of the week.

- "I Wrote This For You", The Falling or Rising, April 26 2009, http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/2009/04/falling-or-rising.html


I like to believe that between one and a half and two days out of the week, I am the first type, and the rest of the week the second.
But I'm pretty sure there are some days when I'm neither.
There are some days where I'm apathetic or lackadaisical, or just lonely. But neither lonely or optimistic.

Most likely going to be channeling Chris Gutierrez but it doesn't bother me.

Time and time again, I see my friends getting into relationships that only end up in pain and misunderstanding.
Some of these legitimately seem, at the beginning, as though they will work out. I don't begrudge my friends for beginning the relationships. But when it becomes a long-term thing and it's obvious something isn't quite right, they make no effort to fix it.
Some of these, at the beginning, just appear flat out wrong, and with some exceptions for opposites attract, they are.
This is not really directed at anyone in particular, though if you asked me I'm sure I could come up with some examples.

I suppose I'm just trying to understand why they would rather stay in a relationship that is bringing them down than be single and happy. Some people seem as though they need to be attached to survive. I understand loneliness. Everyone who is a part of the human race understands loneliness. But I think being in a relationship with someone just to be in a relationship is wrong.

And so what if it really is just a character flaw in them? They have to be, not only in relationships, but in bad relationships? How do you approach that conversation?
"Hey, got any deep seated problems relating to commitment issues, crazy people, or loneliness?"
This is where I feel guilty, I feel as if I knew my friends better I would know why they act the way they act, and would help them with situations like this.

Most friendships are either parasitic or both people ultimately trying to understand the other one.

Lately I have been getting so restless about the state of what I'm tentatively going to refer to as "pop culture." The ideas, mantras, and propaganda of America's version of capitalism seem more and more empty as the days go on, like I've been taught all my life to strive for the wrong things. But now I'm in the middle of the cycle, and it's dangerous to jump off the Ferris wheel mid-ride.

Example #1: You need a big, cool, loud car to tote all your friends around in.

Uhm ... what? First of all the economy is in the shitter, second of all no one has jobs to pay for the car/gas, third of all for the health of the country please take a walk/bike ride once in a while.

Example #2: Don't show any signs of aging on your face whatsoever. Protect it from sun and fill in all lines.

I appreciate laugh lines. I think people who take care of themselves age well without ridiculously expensive surgeries or creams or facial exercises.

Example #3: Eat fast food.

Don't even know what to say to this. There's not a chance if there's any remote possibility I can eat something else? I don't count subs in this but depending what's on them they can be just as bad.


I don't watch television that much anymore, but when I catch glimpses, it all seems so meaningless. All I can think is that "I'm better than this. I can be alone sometimes and that's alright. I can drive a crappy car and that's alright. I can eat healthy and that's more than alright."

We are better than this.

Every time I read something about living for the day and telling people what I really think I tell myself I'll start implementing it the next day. But it never happens. And I know exactly why.
I am so scared. Scared in an uppity way, in that I don't know if people appreciate the time and courage it takes to tell the truth, to let nothing get in the way of letting people know how you feel.
Scared in a consequences way, in that I have no idea how they'll react, or how they will treat me from then on, or how much it will change the relationship we have.
Scared I'll say it wrong, and they'll get the wrong impression and open up a new can of worms.

And then I think and think and realize everyone else fears the same things.
So why haven't I started yet?
I'm scared.

Love is a scary word, not just in relationships, but friendships too. For some reason it's taboo to say you love your friends, to your friends? Not as in "I love you guys" but as in "I love you, insertnamehere." without it being taken as "in love with you." What is going on there?

I hate telling people that I miss them, because I fear that makes me sound pathetic and like my life here is not enough, but that's not it at all. I remember all the times I had with them and how good it made me feel, and I want them to know that. But I hate saying it, because of how it makes me look. Ridiculous. I shouldn't care about these things.

So much fear.

It's my birthday! Trying to get it in before it hits midnight and people don't think I'm special anymore ... haha.

Well!
So this past week.

Band camp felt like it was fast forward, but so excellent. I could tell that the energy in the band was heightened, and we got through so much. It was cool to be a staff member; it had a different feel to it, and sometimes I just fall into leadership positions, (see: section leader in high school) but this one I interviewed for and tried hard for. Being a drill instructor has some weight to it in college band; if people are out of form, it’s on your head. We had fewer charts than last year, but that’s understandable, since we had about four days to put together a show. Crazyness.

Marching at U-M was great. The team didn't do so well, but both bands had great pregame and halftime performances. It was great to see U-M pregame from the field. Super intense high step. The student section probably had like 20 000 people in it. Just a mass of yellow, sorry, maize. We had a reception afterwards and I saw A.Jay and Kristen! Fun times.

Saw Nu and sang with them; woohoo! KKPsi love!

Overall it was an excellent day.
Go Bronco Band!

So I moved into my dorm room yesterday, and I'm really happy with it. There's a room for studying and a room for sleeping which I think will work well. It's twice as big as the room I was in last year. My friends are right across the hall and one of them is across the lobby and down the hall, so I know people here.
It's closer to the music building and the library and the rec center and ... you get the picture. Last year I felt like I was separated from everyone else.


I was a late add to the band camp staff as a drill instructor, which is someone who checks on marching style and drill charts and how the section looks as a form.
I'm so happy that I was added to staff. I was a bit disappointed when I found out last year I didn't make it because I had actually worked up the courage to face an interview that was intimidating for me. Then I got a call/email over the summer asking me to take the position because someone dropped and I jumped at the opportunity!
I've heard that if you want to be a leader, you shouldn't be, but I don't necessarily think that's true all the time. I've had a few leadership positions, and I think some part of you has to want it, otherwise, why go to the trouble?
Maybe that saying means "If you think you are better than everyone else" or "If you think only you can do this" you shouldn't be a leader; that makes more sense.

But I appreciate the caliber of people that I'm surrounded with on staff. I have a love/hate relationship being in a group with those I consider my betters. On one hand I'm happy; surrounding myself with those I strive to be like will make me a better person. On the other hand, I feel as though I can never catch up to them and will continuously be comparing my abilities and actions to theirs. However, I'm confident this week will have positives that outweigh the negatives. No one is perfect.
And we play the friggin Big House on Saturday! SO EXCITING.

Anyhoo.
Eating dinner sometime in the next hour.
Organizing the room some more.
Then sleep! Woohoo!

Sometimes I feel no one wants to sit and watch and listen. Something outside of regular life and society and rhythm, something outside of people-watching at the mall or cruising around in a car, something slightly uncomfortable but something that hits your soul on a deeper level. Watching a sunset or listening to the wind as it moves the leaves on the trees. Watching something that you don't control or worry about or pay for.
Something no one can take away from you.
Who wants to sit about and watch and listen with me?

Man did I have a kickass time this weekend.
Had a mini-vacation.
Saw the stars without light pollution.
Smiled a hell of a lot.
Figured some shit out.

Suffice it to say I read a lot of Chris Gutierrez the past couple of days. It did exactly what it was supposed to do. Made me realize that sitting on my ass isn't going to change anything, and being genuine makes your life better than money, sex, or power ever will.

When was the last time you looked around and said to yourself, "Man I have a lot of great shit in my life and I shouldn't be so goddamn mopey?" Probably a long time ago because we're trained to try and fix things that go wrong rather than appreciate what's right while trying to fix stuff that's going wrong.

I am having a wonderful time of life right now. I say this knowing that in the next month there will be an emo-woe-is-me-I-am-fat-and-ugly post. I say this knowing that this school year will not be easy or cheap. I say this hoping that I will remember to look back on this post and realize hey, shit is not that bad.

Things are good.
I am genuine.

So, I'm back at school in two weeks.
It's a bit unnerving, not only the fact that suddenly my hometown friends are disappearing because they're moving into apartments, but the fact it now feels like it's coming up fast. I had this whole summer to accomplish a bunch of stuff, but I feel like I fell flat.
I had a long conversation with a friend recently about things going your way and optimism and pessimism and such. It was interesting because I found myself saying things I didn't realize that I believed, such as:
I worry about things going wrong all the time. There's always a part of my brain doing worrying and I can almost never just let go. This comes from my dad who also worries all the time about everything. I worry about things far in the future that I have no control over or I have a little bit of control but not enough that worrying will do anything.

I believe that saying "Things will work out" is just a cop out to not thing about the things that went wrong. Curiously, I am a fan of the "Always look on the bright side" mentality, but to me when you say "Things will work out" it sounds like you're not just looking on the bright side, you're ignoring the dark side. And how can things be bright if you have nothing to compare them to?

It's extremely hard for me to let go of things that have gone wrong and just focus on things that have gone right. I set very high standards for myself, and so when I accomplish something, I'm happy, but I always think I'd be happier if I had done that errand one day earlier, or if I had written just a little bit more, or ran for ten more minutes, or etc. I guess I'm a grass is greener kind of gal?

I know that I need to appreciate what I have because I do have a pretty bitchin' life. The problem is that I always think there needs to be something more, something more I have to have that will make people like me just a little more, or make me seem funner, or more fashionable, or like a better person. I hate that I think this way, and I am changing it.

Sometimes my train of thought will be something like "This sucks, I hate people, today is terrible, I can't get through this textbook, etc.", so then I will notice it and change to "I can do this, I can get through this, I have great friends, things may be a little crazy now but you have x things to look forward to later, lots of people are naturally good and nice, etc."
At first it felt a little cheesy but then I realized it was making me feel better.

Who knew retraining your internal monologue could be so helpful?

So that's what I'm working through.

I guess I'm updating on Sundays now? Whatevs.
Ordered my textbooks a couple of days ago. Planning to read over them before classes start because I won't be doing any of that at band camp, haha. I saved about $120 buying them online which is sweet.
My financial aid is a week away from being finished. Last loan is being finalized, just have to send in paperwork and what not. I'm ecstatic with my aid package this year as compared to last year. I've got more loans, but two of them are federal so they have lower interest rates, plus I got a bunch of grants which I view as free money. Excellent.

I leave in three weeks. I'm happy about it.

Going thrifting some time in the next couple of weeks because man do I hate spending money. I need a lot more regular tops because I just have a bunch of t-shirts and I want to change that. Plus I probably haven't been thrifting since last year and it'll give me a chance to hang out with people I haven't seen in a while. It'll be nice to step away from the mall.
I've gone to the mall wayyy too much this summer and it makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel guilty and shallow and uncaring. It got to the point a couple of times where I would be at the mall like 2-3 times a week and after a while I just stepped back and went "Ugh."

I love thrifting a bunch because you find great stuff after sifting through some really weird stuff. You find cheap things and it's a breath of fresh air after $30 shirts and $50 jeans that I would never buy. It's kind of invigorating to imagine who wore the clothes before you, and who was this person, and did this article of clothing mean something to them, and how are they doing now? It's like physical history and I need to do it more often.

Watched Annie Hall the other day and loved it. Now I want to watch a bunch of other Woody Allen movies. Super great. Kind of want to be Annie Hall for Halloween. No one will get it but do I care? Not in the least.

So.
It's August.
Well.
Balls.

As far as my goals went, I once again only really half-heartedly attempted them. It always seems in the first couple of weeks of the month I am motivated. But as soon as the third week hits or a minor setback happens, I give up.
So I begin to the think the problem is not that I don't know what I need to do, but keeping the motivation to do it.
I did play my clarinet a lot more in July than June, but I'm still not completely comfortable with pre-game, and I need to be confident on that before camp.
As far as losing weight/getting healthy goes, I had begun an exercise regime that looked something like this daily:
100-200 jumping jacks
10-20 pushups
30 situps
Some other form of cardio (running, biking, and/or Frisbee)

I am very happy to say that for the most part I've eliminated pop from my diet. The only time I drink it now is at parties, and usually that's less than a can, a couple times a month. Just water! Woohoo!

But what ended up happening exercise-wise was that I tried to do too much too fast, and to make a long story short, hurt myself a little bit and learned that too much eagerness is as bad as too little.
I've hardly had any jobs in the past couple weeks, so even though my father gave me some money for school, I feel guilty spending any money at all because I need to save. Ugh.

I've spent some time solely on myself, which has been severely lacking this summer. I think I felt I needed to fill up my time so much catching up with everyone here that I forgot about my growth this summer. My maturing and my realizations. My epiphanies.

This month will mostly be a month of goodbyes as a lot of my home friends go back to school before me and I say goodbye to my hometown, probably for good. I'm definitely planning to apartment it next summer and just come back occasionally. It'll be scary, and I'm probably not ready, but no one ever is. It's time for me to leave.

A lot of times I think about the eternal, and what happens after we die, and all these big questions that have different answers for everyone. But also a lot of times I feel like people don't want to talk about it, either because they haven't though about it themselves, someone in their life just passed and it hurts too much, or they don't think it's that important.
Sometimes I just want to sit with someone and talk, but how do you ask that question?
How do you say something like, "Okay I'm done with small talk right now; what do you think happens after we die?"

I'm not much of a phone person anymore. I was back in high school, but long phone conversations and the memories that come with them are tied to certain people that don't seem the same to me anymore. So I try not to invoke the inevitable pain that comes with remembering those conversations, meaning I'll never get those people back.

Sometimes snippets of these conversations will happen online, and that's alright I suppose.
But there's nothing like walking with someone, or sitting with someone, staring off into the sky, musing about life and death and happiness and love and hate and knowledge. Or even sitting with someone and experiencing the world, listening to the sound the wind makes when it goes through the trees, or the rain as it fades from a torrential downpour to a shower.

I feel like I should know my friends better, in this way, in the way that I know what their deepest beliefs are, and then I realize that people guard their deepest beliefs for the same reasons I do: they're afraid of being shot down, afraid of being challenged, afraid of being forced to confront something they've shoved deep in their psyche.

But it's not even that I want to argue with someone. I just want to try and understand someone on a deeper level.

Is that so wrong?

Some nights I wish it'd rain forever
And others not so much.
Some nights I don't see anyone
And others imagine your touch.
But most nights I sit
and think
and wait,
most nights I think too long.
For too much remembrance helps the mind
to think of things long gone.


Some nights I laugh with lots of friends
And others don't speak at all.
Some nights I take a risk and dial
And others I hang up the call.
But most nights I sit
and look
and frown,
most nights I look too long.
For late night browsing hurts the heart
when people are long gone.

Goodness.
Well.

In vague terms, because I don't feel like going into detail: There was something on my mind that I could not stop thinking about for a couple of days. I told myself it was alright and that it was natural and I probably wouldn't stop thinking about it. It's better now, and while I do think about it from time to time, I'm glad about how I handled it. I think it shows that I'm growing up.

Now on to everything else.

More jobs! Exciting! Earlier today went out to look at a job for a repeat client who works with my mother. I'm doing some more weeding and spreading mulch for her on Wednesday.
A man we know from church is going on vacation for a couple weeks, so tomorrow I'm going over there to talk about mowing the lawn while he and his wife are gone.
I'm going to call another woman (another repeat client, I made around $60 from her last week!) and see if I can get some work in on Thursday.
Friday morning I'm heading down to my aunt's to do some weeding and spread mulch.
Four jobs! Oh man!
Good times. Good times indeed.

Got a new planner today! I splurged a little but I think I'll actually use it more now that it's a nice one. Last year I got a crappy one with spiral binding on the outside that just got all banged up when I threw it in my bag. :/ But this one has a faux leather cover and a snap, pockets and lots of room for notes inside. Woo!

Also got some hair product today. I never knew shopping could be so frustrating. I spent like an hour looking for stuff, which is weird because I haven't bought really anything besides shampoo for my hair in 4 years. Crazy sauce! Hopefully I'll like this stuff because it's like $4. Yay for cheap hair care!

Uhm, one of my best friends just got dreads on Saturday. Haha, we joked that someone in our friend group always has to have dreads. We wanted to get them done on the same day so it'd be funnier, but whatever. I'm looking forward to hers growing and such and maturing (yes that is a term we use in the dreadlock world). They look great now but I know they will look even better in the future!

Uhm that's about it. Mostly good news in my life!

P.S. June ends tomorrow, so expect a July 1st post on how my goals went this month, and continued/new ones for the month of July.

Sooooooo ...
I cut my hair!


( Pictures! )

Expect way more pictures in the week to come. I'm probably going to mess around with it a lot.

Mmmmmmmmm Harrison Ford.

Tonight was completely excellent.
Got some Beaners, saw Star Trek, had a shake and fries, putzed around Meijer.

On the subject of Star Trek:
YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

I'll give you a little taste of how I felt after this movie. Usually I am a bit pissy about going to see lots of movies in the summer because they are 7.50. A little ridiculous for 2.5 hours but mostly it's the distribution houses that jack up the prices.
I felt this movie was worth 7.50.
For sure.
No doubt.
The score was awesome, and the characters were great, a great rapport with each other. As far as capturing the idea of size and comparisons, they were spot on. Good Lord.
Such a good movie.

Going to bed soon.
Calling Tim Horton's tomorrow.

Night folks!

Wow this week was super hectic. I'm just gonna come right out and say it was not a very good week. Started out good. Monday, pathetically, was the best part, even though Mondays usually suck. But everything just kind of went downhill from there.
Today was good though.

This week's song: Lost in the Post by The Wombats

( Lyrics! )

So. One of the main reasons I listened to this song is that it's extremely upbeat and helped (kind of) wake me up in the mornings. This week was one where it was really hard to just get going and be motivated to do things. I don't know what came over me, or really if it's just one of those hard weeks in school, I just had a rough time of it.
I will admit that I'm not exactly sure what this song is about. I like to think that he liked a girl more than she liked him, and eventually when she wouldn't see him he started sending her love letters through snail mail. But maybe she just never responded. Or there was a terrible coincidence in making sure they never got to her. Either way, he loved the idea of tangible communication in the era of electronic correspondence. But she didn't appreciate that kind of commitment.
So his love was lost in the mail, both metaphorically and literally.
Maybe I like this idea that someone would be so committed to me that they would keep sending letters, even if I didn't respond. They would keep trying to contact me no matter what until I gave them a concrete answer.

Week five can be found here.

This week's song is
Pinch Me by The Barenaked Ladies.
( Lyrics )

First off, this song reminds me of growing up. It's in that group of songs that I find hard to classify as any specific genre, more songs that remind me of coming of age, of the 90's, of music that everyone likes. It calms me down, I can sing most of the lyrics save the part where he goes a million miles a minute which I never got down.

I think I listened to this song a lot this week for comfort reasons. This week was really rough in terms of academics and health issues, and this song talks a lot about thinking about life. Thinking about something bigger than ourselves. And also just some of the basic comforts of life: running through a sprinkler, driving instead of walking, forgetting about your worries for a second and just going with the flow, if you will.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

Part of this seems about the lethargy of my generation, being forced to yawn at world events and world suffering because it's just a generational attitude, that is, 'why should I care?' And also about remembering when you were young, or remembering why you started on your specific life journey in the first place, but like a dream that slips through your fingers you can't quite figure out how you got to your specific place in life.

I'm starting to ooze philosophical mumbo-jumbo so I'm going to cap it.
Basically I love this song, and I hope you have heard it.